Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
