oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
tell me about the eggs
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
