I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
