Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
