We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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