First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
