I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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