You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
