my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
