She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
and you fell through a lawn chair
last night I used snow as a chaser
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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