I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
