My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
as a side note pls kill me
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize