I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
