She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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