i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
