Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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