So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
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Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
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I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not