My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?