k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
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Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
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It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you