i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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