is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
