Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
