Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
