I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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