I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
