He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
