Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You are the jesus of drinking
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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