Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
40s are totally the cure
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
