she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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