i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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