and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Just invented taco cereal.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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