Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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