if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
