I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
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