This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
