i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
