my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
