I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It's blow job season.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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