Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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