Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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