I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Can you bring me the toilet please
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
