Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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