I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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