He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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