I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
