If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
