He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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