I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
