fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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