Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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