Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
