Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
