Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
