Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
