I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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