why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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