Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
